the story of Bennett Myles.

If you are one of the MANY people who have said to me, "What timing", "Bless your heart", or "I don't know how you do it"..you should read this blog post.

I must be honest, up until my first nephew was born back in 2008, I never thought I would desire to be a mother. 

When Landon Chase came into the world it only took one look at him to know that I wanted that.  Ironically, just a few short months earlier, the man of my dreams re-entered my world as well.  I quickly transitioned from the girl who had big dreams of being a professional cheerleader while balancing a corporate job to the girl who wanted to be stay-at-home wife and mother. 

Greg and I both knew a family was in our future as we married legally in April of 2009 and then officially in July of 2009. Ya know, classic Army story.  Because of him being in the military and potential deployments looming ahead of us, we were very unsure of the "correct" timing.  Cause ya know, life is always about our timelines..our desires..our needs. {that is me being sarcastic}  As we settled into our temporary housing at Ft. Lee, VA just weeks after our wedding, we knew our time together was limited to approx. a year and half before the Big "D".  One of Greg's greatest desires was to become a father before he turned 30.  We decided to not try...but also not prevent. 

In September of 2009, I clinched Greg's hand as the clinic drew blood from my arm.  I had missed my period, but at-home pregnancy tests were coming up negative.  I was feeling tired all the time, hungry all the time...and had an extra sparkle in my eyes.  Not to mention the complete joy that oozed from my husband's face! An hour later the Dr. re-entered the room to only tell us that I was indeed, NOT pregnant and asked about other activities I was involved in.  Of course the gym was my top priority at the time and getting back into shape.  He then went on to explain that me loosing a large amount of weight in a very short amount of time led to disrupt my body's normal cycle and left me starving for nutrients. You may remember this post here.  How could this be?  How could my heart get SO excited and then be crushed so bad?  The delivery would have worked out perfectly for Greg to be stateside..it fit OUR timeline!

The disappointment was almost too much to handle...so we both decided that from now on our goal was to start a family.  We were officially "trying"...

And trying...

And trying...

I'm not sure why I haven't shared this before.  This is something that only about 2 people knew about Greg and I.  Possibly the fear of humiliation? Feeling ashamed?  Like I was a 24 year old mess-up who couldn't conceive a child?  

Everyone always asked, "When are you are going to have kids?" and our answer would always be the same, "We don't know" or "Whenever God gives us one".

As we settled into our new home in Alaska we decided to seek medical help.  As I went to the Dr. for my "normal" pap I began to question the doctor about what the possibilties are if we could not conceive on our own.  She then informed me that I was healthy and young and that we just needed to keep trying. Really??  Thank you Miss Army Doctor for you compassion, knowledge, and concern. I left there in tears and with a broken heart.  As with all doctors, she asked if we had been trying for a year yet {that's the earliest they will see someone who has no prior health issues for infertility}.  I told her it would be 3 more months and then we would be at our year mark.  She said..."come back then".

Soooo, I came back then.  And this time asked for a new Doctor! As Greg and I met with the dr. in the OBGYN clinic we discussed that the first step was to begin testing to see exactly where the problem is.  So off to the blood lab we go...pricks and prods and blood tubes later we find out that round of testing was perfectly normal from me.  So our next step was to do more blood tests on me and testing for Greg and we should have a definite answer this time.  This we did.  But something that I might mention is that we knew this deployment was coming...we knew our timeline for our perfect reality had run out.  So we stopped trying to conceive while the testing took place.  Emotionally, we were drained. 

We were set to go in to receive our results on November 2nd, 2010.  On November 1st I flew into Alaska from a visit back in NC with a baggie full of positive pregnancy tests. As the doctor entered the room to give us the results, I burst with excitement to tell her the news, but was still very cautious.  For over a year I had peed on enough sticks to build a cabin and all have came back negative.  So how could this one really be different?  She read over the results from our infertility testing to only diagnose that both Greg and myself were perfect HEALTHY! She sent me to the lab for blood work so we could indeed prove that we were expecting a little miracle.

All the nights laying in bed crying and begging God to somehow "fix" me...all the mornings of hoping for two pink lines to show my anticipating husband...all the shopping trips where we would roam aimlessly through the baby department...all the church services where I sat clutched to my husband's arm because I felt as if God had forgotten about us.  They were no more.

As we counted the months on a calender on that November day...we knew it only meant one thing.  Our first child was going to be born during a deployment.  We were on GOD'S timeline now!  And I've never been happier.  I kept repeating to myself, as the anxiety of it all crept in, that God would not give me anything I could not handle.  And if He thinks I could birth and rear up a child for a year without the help of my best friend/husband, then He must think pretty highly of me.  I went from seeing myself as forgotten...to chosen!

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." -Ephesians 3:20

As we are a couple of weeks into this deployment and only 9 weeks left of this pregnancy, I could not imagine doing this without the help of the wiggly, kicking, squirmy little boy inside my belly.  God provides!

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4

So..for the people who look at me and say, "What timing", "Bless your heart", or "I don't know how you do it"..consider finding something else to say.  Because to me, my life is perfect!  Sure, it's difficult and there's days where I don't understand why my husband isn't here for this and I want to throw up the white flag..but he's serving for our country and I will continue to serve him and my gracious God!  

photo courtesy of Colleen Hannah Photography

And the next time you see someone who is expecting and doesn't have the ideal "family" life...either it be a single mom, teenager, or spouse of a deployed soldier, think twice about how you attempt to encourage them.  Because regardless of their circumstances, they are carrying a miracle.  And there are thousands of women every day who wish it was them that was bursting out of their jeans or getting stretch marks on their tummy. 

cloud 9.

Dear Bennett:

I COULDN'T love you more!

Love,

Mommy

Pregnancy is by far the most awe-inspiring things I have EVER witnessed!  Seriously, the fact that there is a little boy inside my body who responds to my voice, my touch, music, his daddy's recorded voice, etc is a MIRACLE.  He already has such a personality and I hope these last 10wks fly by cause I am bursting inside to meet him!!  Greg and I have waited a very long time for this little guy...

perhaps a post on that tomorrow.

time will tell :)

time is going by and we are in the last few days of February!  Yippeee! :)  March has some very fun things in store including:
-My husband returning HOME!
-Getting my Roots done!  I know, I know...little things but soo exciting for me!
-My last few days at work for a few years!
-A trip to NC with Greg in tow :) I've been home twice while living in AK, but both have been sans Greg.
-Seeing our FAMILIES!
-3D ultrasound
-Maternity/Family Pictures
-Baby Showers!
-Seeing my BEST girlfriends...ohmmmmgeeeee I'm so excited!!
-Shopping at "normal" places
-Eating at "normal" places...and this pregnant girl is going to take full advantage!
-A visit to WCU.  Greg and I haven't been back in a couple of years and my how I miss it!

Ekkk..so excited! 

In other news, I'm thinking about taking my blog private.  For some reason I just don't feel like I can use this blog for what it has always been for anymore.  I started this back when we first got engaged as a wedding planning tool...then it turned into my outlet when Greg and I were apart for 6 months before the wedding.  It was an awesome way for us to communicate and him stay "in touch" with what was happening in my life.  I thought I could do the same this time around, but every time I sit down to write I always end up stopping.  To me, that's not fair.  I guess my real attitude should be that this is my little corner of the world and if you don't like it you are are welcome to leave. :) Any thoughts?  Time will tell, I guess!

This past weekend was extremely rough for me...I came down with the flu and literally did not know how I was gonna make it!  Finding the energy to get out of bed and go to the bathroom was the hardest task..much less dragging myself out in a blizzard and -30 degree tempartures for Vicks Vapor Rub.  Which, by the way, I paid $11 for!!  My family back home could not believe I paid that much for something that normally costs $1.  ha!  Anyways, I stayed in constant contact with my mom and bestie back home who kept urging me to take myself to the ER. But I'm so dang stubborn.  I didn't eat or drink anything for about 3 days, which is not the best condition for a sick pregnant lady. 

Happily, I am on the mend, but I certainly learned a whole lot during this experience.  For starters, I'm really questioning if Alaska is where Baby Bennett and I need to be once he arrives.  How in the world would I do it if I were that sick with a newborn?  With no one to help watch Bennett or heck, even bring me a glass of juice!  It did scare the beejeeebees out of me to consider all of this.  I didn't invest my time very well when we first got here and now it has me in situations I never thought I would be in!  This is definately something Greg and I will have to discuss when he gets back.  I know he would be much happier if I went home during the big "D", but he's always let me make the choice.  I was the stubborn one thinking that I could "tough it out", but is it really worth it?

downhill from here!

Pregnancy Highlights

How Far Along: 20wks 4 days

Size of baby: Cantaloupe

Total Weight Gain: Gained 9lbs!

Maternity Clothes: yes, and I am having the HARDEST time picking out outfits!

Gender: boy! B.M.W

Movement: yep!  Active little man!

Sleep: Getting soooo much better!

What I miss: Having a wardrobe! I wear the same things over & over.

Cravings: Still Cereal..and not the healthy kind! Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Symptoms: Holy backaches!  My life has been ridiculously busy and my total time sitting down in the past week probably equals about 30 minutes!  My back is paying for it!

Best Moment this week: Online Shopping :)  Sooo excited for the packages to begin arriving!  Cheesy, I know..but it's the little things in life.

 

Also..I have big plans for this in Bennett's room...

Minus the little birdie and with his name of course.  Can't wait to show you the finished product!  And since we are military and won't be in this house forever...it will be a portable wall decal! :)

 

Also decided on this handbag diaper bag...

It's the Timi and Leslie Charlie Bag in Pewter!  While many of you and my facebook buddies told me how fabulous the Vera Bradley bags are, I've decided to go with the above and then get a Vera Backpack for the days that I need ALL of my hands.....ya know, the 8 hands that Moms grow! :)  My style is way too "non diaper bag" and if that's not enough for my decision...please check out the fabulousness that's below:

Hellooooooo..I'm all about some celebrity trends.  Think what you must, but I'm all over it!

Things I've learned...

...while being "single" pregnant. Ya know, sans husband.

• Taking the trash to the dump once every 3 weeks doesn't cut it. By then, the load is entirely too heavy to lift so you end up having dig in the container and throw trash away bag-by-bag or grossly, piece-by-piece.
• Must invest in nose/mouth masks. Gagging in sink while trying to clean out the sink drainer will happen on a daily occassion.  Also applies for taking garbage out.
• Sleeping with the TV on TLC or Discovery Health isn't a great idea. It makes for some crazy dreams about baby having 4 ears...however, sleeping with the TV on is a must.  Just need to chose a better channel.
• Panic attacks WILL happen, most of the time daily if not hourly. No need to beat around the bush about it.
• Just because I'm minus a husband does not mean I don't need to cook good meals.  Baby needs nutrients.  Living off bagels and easy mac is not acceptable.
• Throwing away the first meal I made because it is NOT what I or baby wanted is acceptable...just remember to take out the trash immediately and not let it begin to grow mold for a few days.
• Looking at my husband's picture for hours on end will not make him magically appear.
• Wearing no makeup is ok. You're probably gonna cry a million times through the day so it's better to just not waste your time.
• Wasting time on the internet is ok...shopping for baby, planning for nursery, etc. I don't even feel bad about spending 3 hours looking at baby stuff! Why should I?

This list will grow, I'm sure.  But it's kinda nice to have it written out so I can read back over once in a while!
Sadly, I'm trying to get the hang of things and work out an established system for me! :)

for the little boys...

I found this sweet post today and thought it was sooo appropriate!  I am so excited about having a son and hope that he grows to be half the man his father is!

10 Things Every Mother Should Teach Her Son

There's a special bond between mothers and sons. Women raising boys have the power to shape the next generation of men and those to come by teaching their kids important lessons.

 

1. To express his emotions because bottling them up eventually makes a person explode.

2. To say "ladies first," hold doors open for women, and give his date the jacket off his back when he or she is cold because the world is moving forward in wonderful ways but that doesn't mean chivalry has to die.

3. To put the toilet seat down after he pees, change his sheets frequently, learn to cook, and do laundry.

4. To channel his energy through sports, art, dance, the written word — whatever his passion may be.

5. That even the biggest fight should be settled with the mind rather than fists.

6. That not following the group doesn't make him a loser, but his own leader.

7. To stick up for the underdog even if it makes him an outcast.

8. That he has the power to make an amazing difference in life.

9. To worry less about whether she's proud of him and more about having pride in himself.

10. Smiles are free so be generous with them.

let's get real.

Since my phone conversation with my husband got cut short because he had to fall asleep on a cot in the middle of the desert...I am now turning to blabbing about this on my blog.

Lately, and it's been on my heart for a very long time, I have noticed that there are very few people that I have met in this crazy army life that are REAL.  As in, the same person no matter who is around, doesn't think that they are better than others, and just an overall kind person.  And it must really be bad because my husband notices it too...between the wives. 

Sure I have a big personality, but I also have a big heart.  I could not imagine hurting people or acting towards another the way some people have done me in the past few months.  I was telling a friend tonight that it is all so catty...I feel like I'm on an episode of Real Housewives.  Maybe it's from the constant bouncing around to different cities and meeting new people...maybe some people aren't used to "stable" friendships?  Or maybe some people think they need to make big impressions by judging others?

And the biggest thing that pulls on my heartstrings is that I've spent so much of my time investing in these relationships to only find out they are phony.  And now when I need them most {big "D" as I call it} they are no where to be found.  So, my heart is very guarded, but I am starting over.  I no longer trust all and I am looking for very different qualities in friends and hope that this experience has taught me a little about life outside of my "southern bubble" as I call it. 

I know nothing I say will ever make these individuals stop and think about their actions, but I do hope that I can hold myself accountable to never act this way and to treat others with respect, sincere love, and reliable friendship.

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves."
     - Romans 12:9-10

But to end on a positive note, I have found a couple of really great, true friends on this Alaskan journey and they mean the world to me!

And because all blog posts aren't complete without a picture...this is real...

found in my medicine cabinet the morning after my husband left!  Sometimes I pinch myself just to be sure it's real because I have such an awesome marriage...