If you are one of the MANY people who have said to me, "What timing", "Bless your heart", or "I don't know how you do it"..you should read this blog post.
I must be honest, up until my first nephew was born back in 2008, I never thought I would desire to be a mother.
When Landon Chase came into the world it only took one look at him to know that I wanted that. Ironically, just a few short months earlier, the man of my dreams re-entered my world as well. I quickly transitioned from the girl who had big dreams of being a professional cheerleader while balancing a corporate job to the girl who wanted to be stay-at-home wife and mother.
Greg and I both knew a family was in our future as we married legally in April of 2009 and then officially in July of 2009. Ya know, classic Army story. Because of him being in the military and potential deployments looming ahead of us, we were very unsure of the "correct" timing. Cause ya know, life is always about our timelines..our desires..our needs. {that is me being sarcastic} As we settled into our temporary housing at Ft. Lee, VA just weeks after our wedding, we knew our time together was limited to approx. a year and half before the Big "D". One of Greg's greatest desires was to become a father before he turned 30. We decided to not try...but also not prevent.
In September of 2009, I clinched Greg's hand as the clinic drew blood from my arm. I had missed my period, but at-home pregnancy tests were coming up negative. I was feeling tired all the time, hungry all the time...and had an extra sparkle in my eyes. Not to mention the complete joy that oozed from my husband's face! An hour later the Dr. re-entered the room to only tell us that I was indeed, NOT pregnant and asked about other activities I was involved in. Of course the gym was my top priority at the time and getting back into shape. He then went on to explain that me loosing a large amount of weight in a very short amount of time led to disrupt my body's normal cycle and left me starving for nutrients. You may remember this post
here. How could this be? How could my heart get SO excited and then be crushed so bad? The delivery would have worked out perfectly for Greg to be stateside..it fit
OUR timeline!
The disappointment was almost too much to handle...so we both decided that from now on our goal was to start a family. We were officially "trying"...
And trying...
And trying...
I'm not sure why I haven't shared this before. This is something that only about 2 people knew about Greg and I. Possibly the fear of humiliation? Feeling ashamed? Like I was a 24 year old mess-up who couldn't conceive a child?
Everyone always asked, "When are you are going to have kids?" and our answer would always be the same, "We don't know" or "Whenever God gives us one".
As we settled into our new home in Alaska we decided to seek medical help. As I went to the Dr. for my "normal" pap I began to question the doctor about what the possibilties are if we could not conceive on our own. She then informed me that I was healthy and young and that we just needed to keep trying. Really?? Thank you Miss Army Doctor for you compassion, knowledge, and concern. I left there in tears and with a broken heart. As with all doctors, she asked if we had been trying for a year yet {that's the earliest they will see someone who has no prior health issues for infertility}. I told her it would be 3 more months and then we would be at our year mark. She said..."come back then".
Soooo, I came back then. And this time asked for a new Doctor! As Greg and I met with the dr. in the OBGYN clinic we discussed that the first step was to begin testing to see exactly where the problem is. So off to the blood lab we go...pricks and prods and blood tubes later we find out that round of testing was perfectly normal from me. So our next step was to do more blood tests on me and testing for Greg and we should have a definite answer this time. This we did. But something that I might mention is that we knew this deployment was coming...we knew our timeline for our perfect reality had run out. So we stopped trying to conceive while the testing took place. Emotionally, we were drained.
We were set to go in to receive our results on November 2nd, 2010. On November 1st I flew into Alaska from a visit back in NC with a baggie full of positive pregnancy tests. As the doctor entered the room to give us the results, I burst with excitement to tell her the news, but was still very cautious. For over a year I had peed on enough sticks to build a cabin and all have came back negative. So how could this one really be different? She read over the results from our infertility testing to only diagnose that both Greg and myself were perfect HEALTHY! She sent me to the lab for blood work so we could indeed prove that we were expecting a little miracle.
All the nights laying in bed crying and begging God to somehow "fix" me...all the mornings of hoping for two pink lines to show my anticipating husband...all the shopping trips where we would roam aimlessly through the baby department...all the church services where I sat clutched to my husband's arm because I felt as if God had forgotten about us. They were no more.
As we counted the months on a calender on that November day...we knew it only meant one thing. Our first child was going to be born during a deployment. We were on GOD'S timeline now! And I've never been happier. I kept repeating to myself, as the anxiety of it all crept in, that God would not give me anything I could not handle. And if He thinks I could birth and rear up a child for a year without the help of my best friend/husband, then He must think pretty highly of me. I went from seeing myself as forgotten...to chosen!
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." -Ephesians 3:20
As we are a couple of weeks into this deployment and only 9 weeks left of this pregnancy, I could not imagine doing this without the help of the wiggly, kicking, squirmy little boy inside my belly. God provides!
"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalm 37:4
So..for the people who look at me and say, "What timing", "Bless your heart", or "I don't know how you do it"..consider finding something else to say. Because to me, my life is perfect! Sure, it's difficult and there's days where I don't understand why my husband isn't here for this and I want to throw up the white flag..but he's serving for our country and I will continue to serve him and my gracious God!
And the next time you see someone who is expecting and doesn't have the ideal "family" life...either it be a single mom, teenager, or spouse of a deployed soldier, think twice about how you attempt to encourage them. Because regardless of their circumstances, they are carrying a miracle. And there are thousands of women every day who wish it was them that was bursting out of their jeans or getting stretch marks on their tummy.
